Hearing Your Dad's Heartbeat for the First Time

I'm scared to write these days. The thing I know I'm made for seems too big for me to hold. And it is. It's all so terrifying, not because I'm so small, but, because it's so good. I don't understand why I've been asked by two people to help write a book and why my own book is so easily flowing out. I don't understand grace and I don't understand how deeply God's eyes can see the desires of my heart, "Abba I just want to write." And He gives it to me in overwhelming abundance.

I was at an outreach event where we passed out snacks to students during finals week. One guy responded, "I'm sorry, I'm just not used to unsolicited kindness." Same.

Being completely overwhelmed by love or goodness is something that's available to everyone but something very few actually step into. It's the feeling that if you start to cry you might not stop. It's like confessing what's been inside for years. It's the feeling of finding yourself under a light that you didn't ask for. But you secretly love all of it. And it takes strength to admit it's what your soul craves.

It feels like being free and having no idea what to do with such a gift.

I write in my journal, "God, I have no idea what to pray about right now." He says, "Anything you want!" I couldn't pray for a day because I knew I would receive. And I thought that was too much love for my human heart to handle.

I start to write back and He says, "I trust your heart."

And I'm siting here trying to write about the feeling that comes when the Creator and King of the Universe says He trusts my heart...and my heart is running circles because of joy, hope, love and it doesn't care how heavy it's breathing. Freedom is sweet.

I trust Him more now too. This intimacy is my freedom. The prayer that got me here was, "Show me what it means to be Your daughter" and "God please just hold my heart and make it warm." I felt His pride for me swell and His excitement grow. I have a confession, I don't always want to be on a mission for Jesus and sparring in warfare for The Kingdom. Sometimes, I just want to sit in His lap. And it's beautiful because that is a kind of fighting...and a kind of surrender.

"It seemed her lungs could never be large enough to breathe in this much air, her eyes could never see this much space, nor could she hear the full extent of the rolling, roaring ocean. For the briefest moment, she had no edges." - The Light Between Oceans (slightly edited)

I'm trying to live like I'm trusted which makes me trust more; just like living loved makes me love more. I'm trying to call God my Abba more and soak in what it means to have His trust. I don't think it means I get extra adventures or more miracles done at my word, I think it means I have peace. I trust Him, He trusts me, we're good. I think it means someday I'll hear His heartbeat more loudly. I think it means I'm just trying to be the King's kid and run in the reign He's given me.

I think it means we are a team, a family, a couple. It means humility bursts from my heart because I know me and I'm glad I can trust God instead of me. And I'm glad He makes me new and wants to trust me too.