"Maybe I'm to Blame." Remembering Responsibility and Self Control

Studying at college has revealed an extremely disturbing similarity between Christian thought and secular thought.

We both blame the culture and numerous other outside forces for our own actions.

We both attempt to justify ourselves through blame.

Non-Christians blame the culture for creating unfair norms and prejudices in regards to sexual orientation, race, and socioeconomics that people thoughtlessly follow.

Christians blame the culture for creating unfair temptations and trials in regards to pornography, money making, and vanity that we claim to be defenseless against and victims of.

We claim to be the victim far more than reality allows.

For believers and unbelievers alike, blame and victimization are our ways of avoiding condemnation.

And the worse part is, we’ve adopted blame and victim-status so ferociously that we’ve completely displaced personal responsibility and self control.

In dating, these wicked adoptions and displacements manifest in legalistic boundaries and the famous “my relationship with God is struggling so I'm breaking up with you so I can realign my priorities," breakup line.

In this third and final post of the Assurance Series, I want to remind us all of the power we have in the Spirit to make God-honoring choices and reveal the freedoms that come when we think that maybe we are only ever to blame.

But first, let’s remember the caveats:

1. I'm assuming that your relationship or desired relationship is healthy. And by healthy I mean that manipulation is absent, emotional, physical, and mental abuse is absent, and you each honor each other as individuals with independent lives and goals. (Basically you aren't clueless as to what being a good human involves.)

2. I'm assuming that you're striving to honor God and not trying to find dating-life-hacks to justify sinful behavior.

3. I'm assuming you're dating a Christian or are hoping to.

4. I'm assuming that your dating relationship is past the "getting to know each other stage" and has some level of commitment to it.

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I encourage you to read Mark 9:42-48 for yourself, but the gist of it is, "If you cause someone to sin, woe is you, and if something causes you to sin, cut it out of your life."

I believe that these verses have been wrongly (and granted, subconsciously) used to fuel the adoption of blame and victimization and displacement of personal responsibility and self control.

Some actual text from this Mark passage is, "If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched."

This has wrongly translated into, "You are causing me to sin so I must cut you out of my life."

Mark 9:42-48 is not giving us an opportunity to cast blame and cut people out of our lives. Mark 9:42-48 is challenging us to cut off our own hands, pluck out our own eyes, and chop off our own feet.

Metaphorically of course.

Pluck out our own laziness, chop off our own temptations, and cut off our own pride. Our sinful hearts are to blame and are the things that need significant pruning. We won't end the sin we're in by cutting anyone or anything out of our lives. Our hearts are always to blame for abusing substances, people, and ourselves.

Ironically, personal responsibility and self control are things always admonished in the Church, but, the possession of them is never acknowledged and we are given very little opportunity to practice them.

From college dress codes, to college curfew, to same sex sidewalks, to not being allowed to be alone in a car at night with him or her, we've lost some gumption that we only nurture through remembering that humans are capable of having and practicing personal responsibility and self control.

By shifting responsibility and control we've allowed ourselves to blame outside forces for our own behavior.

That's how The Fall happened folks.

Adam failing to take personal responsibility and blaming Eve and God.

Adam stepping out of God's design of leadership for him and wrongly casting it onto others. Adam declaring himself pure, right, and blameless and therefore condemning the God of the universe and Eve his good gift.

I'm always wary when I hear of breakups happening because, "They were hindering my walk with God." To me, it sounds like, "I'm forgoing my personal responsibility to own my spiritual life and blaming someone else for its downfall."

Every human, single or in a relationship, has the ability to choose what he will let hinder him and what he will let encourage him.

We are totally free to let our significant others hinder us and we are totally free to stay our course. We choose.

We choose to be the iron that sharpens iron.

When we remember personal responsibility and control in dating…

We are enabled to treat our significant other like a King or Queen and not a distraction, obstacle, or dangerous spiritual time-bomb.

We aren't afraid of being failures and allow ourselves the chance to be brave by owning up.

We ask for forgiveness. Because their companionship is what we are fighting for anyway.

We receive grace. Because what a privilege it is to be given infinite second chances.

We fearlessly do whatever we need to do to make our significant other feel completely loved and respected. Because they can’t live with the burden of guilt and neither can we.

When we're doing it right, we feel empowered to empower instead of afraid and cautious.