When Girl Meets Loneliness and a God She May Not Like
I never thought I would be the one to experience loneliness…
I never thought I would experience isolation in a crowd…
Or realize an aspect of God that I don’t like…
Or not feel trusted…
Or be frustrated by pride.
But I have found myself in a place of confusion, fear, and feelings of having struggles that only I have ever dealt with.
Could I open up about loneliness to my boyfriend? That seems silly. What about to others who are currently making their best friends here?
My best friends are elsewhere. Some of them performing in a musical which just twists the dagger. Will my project relationships last?
Could I not only accept but love a God who I’m learning is unresponsive to certain pain?
I’ve experienced the Dark Night of the Soul, when God hides Himself, and lets me wallow to come out the other side to see Him anew.
“That wasn’t a one time thing, God?” Do I like a God whose love can be disguised as pain? Can I love, worship, and surrender my life to a God like that? "Aren't I meant to crave You? Why don't I crave this part of You?"
And how many times must I remind myself who I am in Christ to combat feeling looked down upon and distrusted at work?
These questions are valid and the feelings are strong.
And today I was convicted of grumbling and disbelief; that I can be the very woman who I know it is unwise to keep company with.
Underneath the visits to the beach, meals and meetings about how to better reach Miami, building a new friendship with a co-worker, stretching experiences to give everyone a heart to send the Gospel into all nations, and bridge jumping, I’ve been throwing my hands up to the Lord and declaring that I still love Him but I’m intensely afraid of who I’m learning He is.
And so I know my love for Him is not perfect and neither is my understanding of His love for me.
Because perfect love casts out fear.
What power He has. And how difficult it is to see Him use it gently with me.
When God’s power and sovereignty are first on my mind before His love, I have no other option than to be afraid.
I have no other option than to shuffle around believing I am His play thing.
Oh Lord, help me believe You love me and help me see You as lovable.
Silence the lies in my mind that make me fearful of You.
Lord, there is too much work to do in Your Kingdom for me to be afraid.
There is too much freedom to be found for me not to bravely seek it.
Yes, my loneliness confuses me and I wish it begone.
Yes, my pride is real but light always wins.
And while I may not feel trusted while I work, it is no burden to fill my head and heart with God’s truth about who I am.
Tonight, I’m looking forward to worship practice. I just need some time to sing my heart out I suppose.
_______________________
Heart revelations aside, staff left project so the oldest person here is 22.
MISS YOU KIRST!!
So it should be fun and spiritual around here…
To end on a positive note, some things I’m looking forward to:
Parasailing
Paddle boarding
Swing dancing
Go Karting
Planning Women’s Conference
Trying to finish 4 books in five weeks
Hearing my friends giving awesome talks this week
New Bible study leader (MY BAE BRIIIIIIIIII!!!!)
Early morning surfing
I still need to start memorizing Scripture guys…pray harder please. And I probably just need to get on it…
Final thoughts: while homesickness may remain, I guess I don’t feel bad about being ready to go back to college. And I love that the rest of project will force me to my knees a lot more than it has.
Five more weeks, and I’m doing my best to make them as beautiful as they can possibly be. And here are some evidences and reassurances that project has already been beautiful and can continue to be awesome...
...and derpy.