If You've Ever Asked This Question....

{painting by Yvonne Pektus in Searching for Meaning series. Depicting the disturbia of a woman not at rest and living aimlessly}

_________________ Wake up, sigh, brush my teeth, hide my red eyes, walk too quickly down the hall, can't say good morning, wondering what's good, keep the dorm lights low, makeup on and back in bed, two alarms, try to pray, no love songs, guilt, walk to class, don't cry, laugh and feel my heart again, alone and lonely, can't explain, must eat whether I want to or not, must start over though I'm stuck, wonder what do I love, glimpse of hope, scandalous thoughts, look for homework, recluse, only twenty minutes to cry, smile at a friend, read a text, kindness wakes me up, makeup off and back in bed.

Paragraphs like these show up in psychology textbooks about people experiencing mania or severe anxiety.

An unstoppable flow of thoughts and feelings that you can't express cohesively enough for another to understand.

"She's crazy."

" Maybe I am crazy."

If you've ever asked yourself where you're heart is, it probably comes off as insanity from the outside looking in.

The thing about losing track of your heart is that you have to find it again.

You have to make decisions; find out what you love.

You have to choose to believe something. Who is God anyway and who are you?

When we lose our hearts we've been living a life that isn't important to us for too long, we've been asking the wrong questions, and failing to believe truth.

And that's a life that is far from what God has for us...

_____________________

I love a lot of things. Theatre, reading, writing, running, painting, being with friends, canoeing...

So the trick is finding out where all of these things belong in my life. (Pretty sure I can't major in canoeing--neither should I--despite how awesome that would be...)

"Am I passionate enough about my major?"

"Where is my relationship headed?"

"I wish I had time to exercise and maybe try yoga."

"Online grad school or on campus?"

"R.A. again or live with some dear friends?"

I guess I had it into my head that I'm a young and beautiful 20 year old with the world at her fingertips...so I better not throw it away.

"Do all the things Miami student."

But in the course of pursuing every little thing that piques my interest have I lost what I truly love and want in my life and what God has for me?

Maybe I have spread my heart too thin to see it; maybe it's running after things it only thinks it loves.

Or maybe I've just taken it out of God's keeping. Or tricked myself into thinking I can do that.

"You've given me passions to navigate my life, God I know. I'm just trying to figure out how to use them. I'll check in with You soon." (a.k.a. let me hold my heart please)

Through my loneliness, confusion, and anxiety lately I haven't been letting God love me at all.

Foolishly I've done my best to manipulate my life into what I think will make me most happy. I believed that God expected me to figure it out on my own.

I'm in the middle of reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. The subtitle is "unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul."

"Maybe I'll finally understand myself thank goodness." (Until they make the case that a woman is a mystery to be enjoyed and not figured out...just like God.)

At any rate, the Eldredge's put forth that--for a woman--her heart is the most important thing to nourish because from it flows the characteristics of God we reflect most intenesly.

Characteristics such as mystery, mercy, compassion, tenderness, wanting to be first priority, intimacy, gentleness, and jealousy are all excentuated in women so that the world might know this side of God more clearly.

If this is why I'm here, I need to spend more time asking how to nourish my heart for God's glory.

How I can be a better woman.

How I can be a companion and supporter to everyone that's around me.

God made me for this, why would I go a different way?

Oh, how I have failed in my design.

Furthermore, the Eldredge's present three core desires of women:

I long to be swept up into a romance.

I long to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure.

I long to be the beauty of the story.

As a woman, I cannot deny these things.

I cannot deny that gentleness and mercy course through me.

I cannot deny that the greatest joys and the greatest hurts center around these desires.

And I cannot deny that I try to fulfill these desires with everything else besides God.

"I'll just be in control. Create my own romantic life, write my own story, and demand to be noticed."

I do not believe He is my lover.

I do not believe He placed me on this earth for a unique purpose.

I do not believe the beauty He gave me adds to any life.

Somehow I believe that I can move on from God's love. Somehow I can shut myself off to His love.

"Yep I believe that I'm loved let's get a move on."

We don't get over His love. It's literally life.

The amazing thing about God is that while He calls us to have faith in the truth of His Word, He has no problem being extravagant with His creation to win us back.

To guide us out of loneliness, confusion, worry, and disappointment back into the calm.

Sunday night I sat crumpled on my couch trying to get as small as I could as I confessed to God that I wanted His love but was embarrassed that I had run away from it. So I tried to hide. Quite literally. Sound familiar daughters of Eve?

Later on that night, the dear boy and I watched the stars as I tried to explain the turmoil in my heart; how I was so unhappy despite my best efforts to get it together.

The night was exceptionally clear, and my favorite constellation was uncommonly high. Usually it takes me forever to find it. But Delphinus shown so brilliantly I couldn't miss it.

"Thanks God." My heart felt a little warmer; a little more known and held.

A little more content as I began to remember God's love for me, I was unprepared for the beautiful shooting star that streaked overhead.

My heart had only barely whispered this desire and God had made sure I knew He heard it.

As I cried and laughed I told God my heart was His again and confessed my foolishness.

Oh how He loves me.

Enough to launch a star into motion and be a grand spectacle just for me.

_______________

I think what's to be learned here is we lose our hearts and lives when we ask ourselves the wrong questions and believe the wrong things. That leads to lives we don't care for and neither does God.

While I was asking myself, "What makes me happy?" I should be asking, "How can I best nourish my heart and God-design?"

While I was working towards a stacked resume, I forfeited friend time which is way more important to me.

While I was trying to love and take care of myself, I failed to believe that the Everlasting Love already does that perfectly.

As I'm making choices to nourish my heart, I'm finding God's love feels more and more present. Even when my faith is weak.

And if closeness with God and furthing His glory is what's to be accomplished, I don't need to accomplish anything else.

"Sorry resume and future, you don't own my heart. I have found my heart and it has been in the Lord's loving hands all along."

Maybe I can be a regular person with one major and minor instead of the typical stressed student constantly trying to one up his fellows because God hasn't made me type A.

Maybe I can spend more time with my friends who make me laugh instead of declining lunch and hiding in my room to study because God made me to flourish in relationship.

Maybe I can read and write in my new hammock and watch the fall colors begin instead of constantly planning out my furture because God made me to rest in His beauty and sovereignty.

Maybe all I need to work towards is becoming more of the woman God made me so that He might be more glorified in the world and determing what means help me get there.

If you've ever asked where your heart is, ask God to captivate it all over again and He will.

And you will know what it is to be lead by still waters and walk through green pastures. You will know how to nourish your heart. And you will know that God gives the best love, the greatest adventure, and gives you the highest beauty to reflect. "The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: 'Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt O virgin of Israel.'" ~ Jeremiah 31:3-4