Shutting Up Shame: I Am Fully Known and Fully Loved

The other night I took advantage of the 60 degree December weather to go on yet another run.

My running life and I have been in a bit of a spat lately. It wants more of my time and I just don't know if I have it in me.

I won't lie, my constant 5ks tease me some times.

"Why don't you do something bigger? Longer?"

"Isn't this scenery gettting old?"

"You used to be better than this pace ya know...what happened?"

This particular night I went without music because my thoughts were loud and distracting enough.

I noticed the herds of deer just feet away from me in the trees or grazing on the fields

I noticed how my hips ached more quickly than my last run

I noticed the pink orange sunset

I noticed that I did wish I could still run 8 miles to and from the river

And I noticed that I felt shame.

Shame: that icky feeling when we know we haven't measured up to what we think we should be or to what others think we should be.

Or what we want to be.

The falling short of a standard.

I walked for a bit and watched an old car rumble by on the backroad. I walked trying to ignore my strained hips. I walked and tried to hide from myself and how far I was from the runner I wish I was.

I know I don't speak for myself when I confess that when I examine myself I come up short...of...something...and am left with shame.

And it's amazing how large our capacity to shoulder feelings of shame is.

I feel shameful that I'm not as great a runner as I used to be.

I feel shameful because I can't ever seem to figure my love life out.

I feel shameful because I'm prideful.

I feel shameful for not knowing exactly what I want in life.

I feel shameful when I sleep until noon.

I feel shameful for the weirdo I was when I was little...don't we all?

The truth is that I live with a lot of shame. I have for a long time that I hardly notice it anymore.

But lately God has been calling me out of shame into innocence, honor, and freedom.

I've been desperately calling out to Him to show me how there's more to this life than hiding and He's shouted back:

Let me show you.

He has one simple message for me and you:

I know you completely and love you fully, I've met the standard so you don't have to.

Does God expect me to be a world class runner?

No.

Glorify Me and enjoy Me forever, beloved.

Does God expect me to live sinlessly?

No.

Glorify Me and enjoy Me forever, dearest.

Does God expect me to pave my own way with sheer will and determination?

No.

Rest and be joyful My love.

If my Father has declared that my utmost joy will flow from contentment in His love for me, His sacrifice for me, His devotion to me, His delight in me...why must I expect larger than life things for myself and continually fall short and resort to hiding?

I'm trying to lay down my standard and rest because He wants freedom for me.

He yearns for me to accept the innocence the cross has given me.

He continually holds out peace because He knows I fall short and He loves me anyway.

And I think that is really how we dismiss shame's poison.

Believing in, reveling in, rejoicing in, and walking in the promise that we are fully known and fully loved.

My Daddy sees every move I make outside of the joy He has for me and yet decidedly and tenderly calls me His own.

Every time I fall short of the fullness of joy...He reminds me it's not mine to conquer: it's mine to receive because of Christ's victory.

He reminds me that Jesus came for my freedom, for my joy, for our renewed relationship, for my soul, for my heavnely eternity, and for my earthly peace.

He isn't afraid of what I feel, think, or do because He loves me. Why would I hide from Love out of shame?

I don't want to ignore this adventurous life because I'm too busy ignoring myself and what God has for me. I pray for freedom.

I don't want to pretend my heart is free when it's chained to fear. I pray for bravery.

I don't want to look back on my life and wish I would've...I pray for thankfulness and the spirit that squeezes all I can out of this good gift.

The invite is the same for you and me: rejoice that you are fully known and fully loved and feel the shame melt away.