Shutting Up Shame: My Intimacy with Self-Degredation

I don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and wish for something different.

I don't know what it's like to feel unnecessary in the world.

I don't know what it's like to actively hurt myself.

I don't know what it's like to believe myself trash.

I know what it feels like when my eyes scan the room and darkly whisper I'm the prettiest and most superior.

I know what it feels like when she has more friends than me and the venom drips off my teeth and I hope it falls on her foot.

I know what it feels like to imagine my "successful" future and feel free of all the stupid people who didn't get as far as me.

I know what it feels like to feel victimized because my talent hasn't been recognized.

I know what it feels like to be alone and rock myself on the bed through my tears as I confess to God that I can't follow my arrogant heart anymore.

Proverbs 11:2, "When pride comes, then comes shame; but with the humble is wisdom."

Arrogance is my favorite way of cheating myself, degrading myself to less than I am.

Oh, the irony of praising myself with my own lips all the while declaring the next life useless.

Oh, the bitterness that I greedily snatch from Satan's outstretched hand only to feel it writhe and tear at me from the inside.

Arrogance is just one symptom of pride. One symptom of the intense self focus that eclipses the presence and worth of God and others.

Scripture also says that shame is a consequence of pride. Pride comes before the fall.

I guess I knew this, but my pride was so thick I fooled myself into believing I could avoid my arrogance showing. I could avoid the shame that my arrogance would inevitably bring. (because I'm awesome remember? I can ninja-dodge any spiritual pitfall...I'm disgusting I know...and I have to live with myself)

I remember telling a friend, "My pride and arrogance don't manifest behaviorally. It's just all poison in my head."

And I remember the sinking feeling when he told me he actually did see it.

While I thought I was impeccably skilled at only drowning in my own head and not letting it drip onto anyone else, it turns out my sin wasn't so hidden.

And I felt shame. And I feel shame.

Shame because I fell/fall short of my perceived ability to hide my sin. And because of a lot of other things too.

It's not like this falling short hasn't happened before folks.

Think back to the good ole' fig leaves...and everyday in history after that.

Shame: the embarrassment of falling short.

Shame: the curse that overshadows our Eden-honor.

Let's zoom out from the muck that is the arrogance in my heart and talk about this Eden-honor and how every sin short-changes us every moment.

____________________

Humans were created with incredible dignity and honor. Our lives are sanctioned.

And shame comes when we forfeit living in that blessed honor.

The honor it is to display God's character through masculinity and femininity.

The honor it is to govern the entire earth.

The honor it is to have a soul that communes with God.

The honor it is to be loved.

The honor it is to be able to give love.

The list goes on friends...

Our lives are amazing. Our existence dignified.

Or do you not know what I'm talking about?

Ever since we took fruit over love--ever since my mother Eve let arrogance overshadow obedience--we've been cheating and degrading ourselves.

I've met very few people whom I can confidently label honorable and dignified. (And I've made them all my friends...yay!)

Most of the time we resemble animals stampeding to the beer troughs; machines glued to the routine.

Either by choice or a broken heart we forget our demi-god existence.

A little lower than the angels.

Spirit and flesh.

Kings and Queens.

Heirs of Christ's inheritance.

Artists.

Creators.

Chosen and adopted by King Jesus.

On this earth because it delighted the King to have us here.

"We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Cor. 5:20

I am called Ambassador? The representative for Christ and His forgiveness?

What an honor.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Christ has written me into His grand eternal story? And decided to bless me in the process?

What an honor.

And I choose sin fear sloth worry passivity over this...

And I choose to flaunt my talents, crush my competition in my mind, and allow Satan's thick haze to sever unity and love...

Let's be straight here: I don't think we understand why sin is so terrible.

"It's displeasing to God."

Ya well I wanna watch porn drink swear lie envy withdraw way more than I wanna make God happy by not.

I don't know about you, but my heart always goes back to the question:

What's so good about this God anyway?

What's so good about this God is that He loves us and is for us.

What's so good about this God is that He romances us instead of lecturing us.

What's so good about this God is that blessings for us are on His mind.

I'm not gonna try and encapsulate the awesomeness of God and coax you into love with Him with a blog post. Life is bigger than that.

I just want us to see if we can answer this question in light of the last question:

What's so good about this sin anyway?

I can't tell you.

Do we not see that God hates sin because it's bad for us?

God doesn't just hate it because He hates it.

He hates it because it is not from Him and whatever is not from Him is not good for His children.

He hates it because it destroys what He created us for: a perfectly epic romance between Him and I you us.

My arrogance dismantles my joy.

It diminishes my ability to find intimacy on earth and with God because I devalue everyone and everything around me while I can't stop high-fiving my reflection.

Sin dismantles joy.

God help me choose humility. Love, relationships, honor, and You are so much better than my arrogance and its companions loneliness and shame.

Oh, the shame for having chosen a lesser thing.

But, oh, the joy of having a Father who doesn't give up on me.

A Father who makes me clothing in my nakedness.

A Father who would expose Himself to shame embarrassment harassment torture isolation to take away what I brought on myself.

Because I'm stupid enough to not love Him in the first place.

A Father who knows the only way to rid me of my shame is to make me His child so I can call Him my Father.

I am adopted. Caressed until the cords of shame bind me no more.

I am loved. Fervently promised faithfulness until I believe it.

I am free.

So that my soul will never appear below the mark, always choosing the lesser thing in the eyes of my Father.