Shutting Up Shame: Embracing Interruption and Burning Down Closed Doors

I'm 20.

I have no idea.

I have a tendency to play with fire and a natural bravery to dare.

Three ingredients that can end up really bad or really awesome.

That's me, but maybe you are

20

Content.

Walking happily along your path.

Or maybe

20

Already have wrecked dreams.

Have no interest in making new ones.

20

Don't know what it is to dream.

Fine with whatever.

20

Full of ideas.

Every door is closed.

20

Finally have an idea.

Absolutely certain and going for it.

20

Afraid.

20

Depressed.

20

Ambitious.

20

Loving it.

I just want to let some people into a conversation that runs around in my head and heart these days. It's not a unique conversation. Join in wherever it fits you.

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There's a reason my blog is called Beginnings.

I think beginnings are the fabric of our world. Beginnings spurred on by love.

We've all heard the now cliche, "Every ending is just a new beginning."

I 100% buy that.

Beginnings are the chances hope allows us to see.

At least in my life, the Lord always brings me back to the beginning...of who I am and who He is.

What I thought were my gifts...where are they now? My dreams...not appealing anymore. Relationships...did I make it this complicated? My major...did I actually choose this?

God loves me? Whoa. He is sovereign? Thank goodness. He sees me? I'm overwhelmed...

When I find myself back at the beginning, I also find myself in my PJs and a really confusing and sad story to everyone else.

My life's mission isn't defined anymore...or I've forgotten it.

"Just give me some time."

Time to ask God how I've changed. Time to ask Him to reveal what new plans He's stamping on my heart. Time to regain confidence in my choices. Time to experience Him anew.

Time to begin again.

When people implode on themselves or appear to be just a waif of what they once were, something awesome is about to happen.

~"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lordfor the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3~

A new beginning.

But how do I get there...

~"I would have lost hope had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strenghen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14 ~

I love and hate in this verse that it says waiting produces strength. Not wisdom.

I'm still chewing on this...but why do we "take time" to make decisions if time produces strength?

Maybe bravery to go where our soul says is what the strength is about. "Be of good courage."

And I find myself here. Waiting on the Lord and trying to receive His strength to honestly look at my heart; finding the strength to admit to myself I don't know anymore.

Asking myself if I can trust my gut and the changes it undergoing. And if it's telling me the same thing God is telling me. (my gut is crazy people)

So, I often struggle to find space for my soul in this world.

And I know you're lying if you say you don't experience that because none of us really belong here. (Here being broken planet Earth)

I think those who tend to be more ambitious, more adventurous, and more courageous are extra in tune to the fact that they are just pilgrims on this Earth.

Maybe not more in tune (I'm not trying to suggest that some of us are more human than others), but maybe more willing to run with the craving for The Epic.

What we tend to look like is discontent, scatterbrained, unsettled, and even ungrateful. Or at least I do.

And sometimes I am.

I often confuse squeezing the life out of life with burning down closed doors.

"What adventure lies beyond the mysterious locked door?!"

"Taylor, that's not for you." says the Lord of hosts.

These days there's a back in forth in my head between never settling, but always being content...

Between following my dreams andmakingmoney...

Between just doing stuff because this is the only life I have and not messing around because this is the only life I have...

So, yet again, as it seems I'm always doing, I embarked on another series of who the heck even am I questions and how does this Taylor fit in the world...

Which doors are for me, which doors are my greatest adventure, and which doors do I need to carry the matchbox away from...

And here's what I found:

Bitterness is amazing.

It's sneaky, coy, disguised...

And it's been my motivation for many a choice.

I started this blog because I was mad at stupid people for not knowing anything. I read so much because I've been hurt and don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm bitter that women resent men and men women because I've been caught up in that pain before.

And I think this is part of my beginning again journey. Accepting that the pain of my past can be a closed door and I don't have to keep burning it down and trying to defeat it. Again..and again...and again.

"Let it stay locked, My dear."

"Have I not blessed you and freed You from that pain?"

It's a special cut when the Lord looks at me dead in the face and says, "Let me show you how the world actually works. Because you're wrecking yourself."

And He pulls back the covers I sleep under until noon and shows me the muck of bitterness that glues me to my bed and stains my new heart.

Bitterness and the chains of responsibility to make my life more than pain.

"My daughter, you don't need to make your life abundant. I've done this already."

"My child, you don't need to know what's next. I know this already."

"Beloved, your circumstances, your knowledge, your persistance cannot buy you peace. I've done this already."

Already.

A few days ago I listened to a talk by Mike Donahey. The lead singer for Tenth Avenue North.

He talked about living interruptible lives; how the Christian life can be summed up in saying "yup" to God and loving the sojourn with Him. (When did we/I make it more complicated...)

And because God interrupts our lives to give us the best, adventure, ambition, dreams, satisfaction, and contentment are never in combat with one another.

I want to be joyful because my life is already an abundant gift from God. Not because I'm responsible for creating it to be so.

I want to be in ministry because I'm fully known and fully loved and want others to have that intimacy. Not because I think people are idiots and need help seeing the light.

I want to step into service because I'm grateful. Not because I need to find a reason to give thanks.

I want to feel free to reach for the adventure because I am content that my God is holding me.

Not only has my prayer been, "Lord, reveal to me the new desires You're stamping on my heart." but also, "Please dig out my heart and start over with me. Again."

I think we all need that new beginning; to be able to put away the matches and let God redefine for us which doors are ours inspired by who He is and who He is creating us to be.

To embrace interruption.

To have the courage that recognizes the ashes around and to hope for the next beautiful beginning.