When God's Light Shines Through
I didn't really know what else to do so I decided to take a ride in our red pick up. I just needed to escape for awhile. On the road my mind took a few wrong turns,
"Screw God, I'm beautiful, talented, I can do anything in life and all He does is mess it up. I'm done with that."
"Hey, I'm young and attractive, any night club would love to have me visit for awhile."
"Once God sees me spiraling He will be kind to me again."
Obviously, I was going through some stuff. That stuff completely wrecked my faith, demolished my view of a loving God, and opened the door nice and wide for the Devil's conniving hands to latch onto my weak mind and heart...which he did and joyed in my lack of resistance.
For several months, I saw God as an abuser. I confused my family and friends with my sorrowful feelings, incessant tears, hours in bed, and inability to concentrate. Soon I just stopped talking about what was going on inside me because no one could say anything I hadn't heard before or fix me or my life.
Then, it was just me and God. Face to Face. My eyes shut too tight and tongue stuck out too far to see His tears and hear His voice crying to have me back.
I heard a sermon on the radio about Elijah and God bringing him to a place of Isolated Pain. Riveted I listened as the pastor described Elijah and I wondered if he was really describing me. I knew that God brought crazy tests and difficulties into our lives for refining, but I never thought He would leave us companionless through them.
Truth is, He does so that we have no choice other than to lift up our mangled hearts to Him. Whether we throw it at Him in anger and frustration, meekly lay it at His feet without meeting His glance, or wait until He takes it from our tired fists.
In the past, I've been a thrower. A violent thrower. So fed up that I pitch my heart across the room and hope it hits God in the face so He can understand some of the pain I've been dealing with. But this time around, God quietly picked up my heart when I wasn't looking and gently started to bandage it up.
~He started revealing Himself to me again after my season of Isolated Pain~
I began to see the fruits of my test. I could hardly recognize myself. Beauty was flowing from me faster than it ever had: creativity flourished, I could listen to people better, I started blogging, all I could think about was listening to God and His voice and being a servant.
When God's light shines through you don't know what's happened to you. But you know it was the best thing ever.
But God doesn't stop at just fixing your heart after you've been through pain. After He has bolstered you, He says, "Alright, help someone else."
Recently, I felt a random sense of anticipation. I didn't quite know why so I just let the feeling sink in and prepared myself for what God would have me do.
Like a miraculous Bible story, God had me meet a girl, a complete stranger, who just needed someone to be nice to her, to let her know that there was someone else in the world who understood what it was like to be so sad, and to sit and listen with no judgement.
I had no idea I would introduce myself to a lonely looking girl.
I had no idea I'd spend a night with a stranger, crying, sympathizing, and hearing her pour out secret after secret and watching God start picking her up.
I had no idea my past circumstances, new love for God, and my own healing would impact her the way it did.
A few months ago, I would've mini barfed at her story and stories like it and gone down as a jerk. But because of how God had shaped me, His love and comfort reached through me to this suffering girl like no one else in her life could.
God is much more interested in changing our hearts than our circumstances. He designs our every situation to chip away at our hard hearts so that they become soft and the perfect channel for Heaven to touch earth.
Thank You God for not delivering me like I wanted but changing my heart.
Thank You God for bringing beauty out of me where a void once was.
Thank You God for reminding me You love me.
Thank You God for an Isolated Pain that has created a compassionate heart.
Thank You God for blowing my mind.
Thank You God for placing a desire in me to see Your beauty.
Thank You God for the anticipation that You aren't finished with me yet.