Hold My Hand
When we hear the acronym P.D.A. (Public Display of Affection) we immediately think of one specific way to express affection to someone: Touch.
We forget that there are also four other (umbrella) ways to Publically Display Affection other than Touch:
1. Giving gifts
2. Spending quality time
3. Complimenting, encouraging, and affirming through words
4. Doing acts of service
Together, the five expressions make up the Love Languages: how people naturally express love and feel the most loved.
Some of us show that we love someone by giving them a gift, others, through a hug, and still others, through writing an encouraging note. And in turn, we get the warm fuzzies when someone does our primary Love Language back to us.
When a gift is given, an activity enjoyed, a kind word is said, or a helping hand lended in public between a couple, onlookers don't even think twice about it. And if we do think twice, the thoughts are probably along the lines of:
"Wow, I want a man who will compliment me in front of my parents."
"How sweet that she offered to dog-sit while he and his family are on vacation!"
"It seems like he is at every single one of her shows/games/recitals!! So thoughtful!"
"She brought him cookies because he was having a bad day?! That's just awesome."
Love is AWESOME to watch.
But when that last Touchy category is done, eyes roll, cheeks blush, noises of disgust escape throats, and sometimes the couple is even approached about their "coupliness" or "touchiness." Why is this Display of Affection so attacked?
For some reason, that love is NOT AWESOME to watch.
"Because it is inconsiderate of those around."
"Because it shows lack of self control."
"Because its unnecessary."
"Because its gross and no one wants to see that anyway."
Thank you for simplifying the 5 Love Languages into 4. So much easier to keep track of and my comfort zone is 75% less threatened.............................
I raise my hand sheepishly to offer another point of view and an explanation for why some people hug strangers before a handshake, want people to sit on their laps, and become downcast at the phrase, "Leave room for Jesus."
Remember what Touch is: a way for people to show love to one another. I think the reason that some people get squeamish when a couple is "touchy" is because they don't think that those touches are intentional.
In many people's minds, an affectionate touch is almost always some greedy, passionate, or thoughtless gesture. But speaking as one whose primary Love Language is Touch, Touch can be very intentional and innocent.
Here is a little insight into the brain of a Toucher...
I get the vibe that Christians think Touch is somehow inferior, or even unimportant, compared to the other Love Languages...
Probably because of the power of Touch and all the warnings that Christian teens have been raised with about physical contact:
"Don't be a temptation."
"Don't lust or cause it."
"Touching someone doesn't help you get to know them at all."
"It distracts from the relationship."
In the mind of a Toucher, those warnings hardly resonate. They are confusing. It's hard for them to see how a peck on the cheek could be tempting, or how playing with hair could cause lust, or how touching someone doesn't help the relationship because...that's exactly how they strengthen the relationship! That's exactly how they express love! They have to work extra hard to remember others aren't like them and process Touches differently.
To Touchers, a touch is purely an "I love you and here is how you can know I'm faithful and true in that,"
But to others, intentions may not always look wholesome.
True Touchers--Christian Touchers at least--strive to have pure and innocent inentions with their Touches. Yet still feel attacked and judged when a simple hug is given; when they lean on someone they love for awhile; when all they want when they are sad is to be held and rocked and for their face to be coddled.
Everytime Touchers hear, "You guys are being inconsiderate" or "Please show some self-control" or "Was that really necessary?" or "No one wants to see that", we feel extremely paranoid about loving our significant other because on top of trying to follow the Bible's standards, we've now been burdened with a million other differing preferences and standards that friends and family hold which we can't possibly predict and follow.
~And, truly, when two people become a couple, their job doesn't suddenly become working to not offend everyone around them. They need to love each other and they have the amazing opportunity to display what a loving relationship should look like ~
But sadly, sometimes Touchers feel so much hostility towards how they handle their relationship that they totally shut themselves off from their partner out of fear which causes major, unnecessary stress on both partners and even break ups.
I'm not saying that all the nonTouchers need to show some slack to all the public gropers out there...let's be honest, everyone can tell when people are caught up in a fit of passion and when they are truly being innocently intentional with their touches....I'm just hoping that much stress and heartache can be done away with if nonTouchers understand Touchers a little better and vice versa.
So when your stomach tightens because her hand touched his chest and when I feel pressed on all sides for trying to love my best, let us be gracious to one another and abound in forgiveness.