When God Isn't Enough
I've written, re-written, and thrown up my hands in angst over this post for 3 months.
Some previous openings: "It was the fifth time that week I'd had to excuse myself from class to go cry in the bathroom."
"I want to talk to people who know what it's like when God isn't enough and help those witnessing the one enduring the pain that belief brings."
"Job 30:20-21, 'I cry out to You, but You do not answer me; I stand up, and You regard me. But You have become cruel to me; with the strength of Your hand You oppose me'"
"When God isn't enough, life is like the FM static. Everything it wasn't meant to be. Confusing. Disappointing. And you just want to switch it to another channel so it'll stop."
"I'm currently walking out the door after a violent negotiation with Depression."
I want to talk a little more in depth about a major pain that I had introduced in my post When God's Light Shines Through. I've done my best to flesh it out here and to give some after-thoughts.
I think the reason why it was so hard for me to write this post is because I had tried to make it so "me-centered." It was crowded with stories of how my tears made me dehydrated, how I tried so hard to explain my pain but was always misunderstood, and the many times I took a walk and foolishly hoped everything would be different when I got back.
But the main character in my life is not me, it's the Lord. So here's what happened with the spotlight off my pain and on His power.
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The Devil really, really loves to get us when we are weak; when we are physically, emotionally, or mentally weak.
For then we allow doubts of who God is to seep in. We allow our spiritual beliefs to become weak.
The Devil knows the moment that door of doubt cracks open.
But a time came when the door of doubt didn't just crack open in my mind...it was drop kicked down. For me, Depression delivered the drop kick.
I swear I could hear the Devil cheering as he sent his demons to attack my weak Christian mind and heart.
He planted some beliefs in my mind:
"God is abusive."
"God is laughing at me." "God is expecting me to suck it up."
"God won't heal this for me."
"Maybe if I yell louder God will hear me."
I believed these things 100% without knowing or admitting that I did for awhile. There were three specific days while I was Depressed when I remember commanding God to get away from me.
"You've screwed me, I screw You."
These beliefs only stuffed me further into the suffocation of my Depression.
I let it become a vicious cycle of weakness and pain working hand in hand to keep my faith at bay.
I'd talk to those around me and try to explain my pain but was almost always met with a confused blank stare or a trite, "Trust God!"
I felt as if there was no comfort anywhere. I did a lot of sitting on my deck staring into space with a box of tissues at arms length.
My prayers consisted of, "Wow God this isn't funny anymore so just fix whatever this is."
Having never been Depressed and having never known what it was like to question God's character so fiercely, there was no way I could identify the source of my pain as I was feeling it.
But enough journaling and laying in bed with my tissues, water, and thoughts eventually made me see:
I'm not struggling to trust God. I'm struggling to believe He is trustworthy.
I'm not struggling to surrender. I'm struggling to believe He is good.
I'm not struggling with discontentment. I'm struggling to believe God cares.
I'm not struggling with wanting control. I'm struggling to believe that God wants to be in my life.
I'm struggling to believe that God loves me. That He is love.
And I wasn't about to surrender anything or put my hope in any God who I didn't believe loved me anymore.
These beliefs and my Depression made me tired. I don't know any other way to describe it. I was exhausted constantly. Too tired to act myself. Too tired for my musical rehearsal. Too tired to be a friend. Too tired to explain myself.
Too tired to even want it to end or to remember being ok.
I know my experience isn't unique. The Devil attacks every believer with greater or lesser success with a plethora of tactics. So, I have a few things to say to those who have found or will find themselves in a Spiritual Depression.
If you've found yourself in Satan's merciless clutches, you're allowed to rest.
Here's why.
God is a jealous God.
You see, my Father was not ok that the Devil messing with me.
Yes, some of the pain inside was from Depression and shattered beliefs...
But the rest was a spiritual battle. Heavenly swords clashing with demonic breath. Triumphant trumpets drowning out horrific howls. God's holy eyes burning into and demolishing Satan's darkness.
All that gives a human some pain inside. If you can imagine.
This war went on for about 5 and a half months. But looking back, I can so clearly see God fighting for my heart.
The fact that I still prayed.
The fact that I still wracked the Bible for comfort.
The fact that I still went to church.
The fact that I taught a Sunday school.
Even though I didn't think any of it would help.
He was still feeding me while fighting for me...even though I'd looked away from His grace and layed down in hopelessness.
I remember sitting in bed with my Jesus Calling devotional. I had just read the intro and the authoress said that sometimes she sits and literally hears God's voice in her head.
"If You're up there, just show up please." I said as my eyes rolled.
I closed my eyes, cleared my head ("whatever that means" I thought), and heard:
I love you.
I can try to describe the relief my heart felt. But only try. For a girl who had spent months hearing cliche comforts and not believing that God would look at her, "I love you" was all I needed to hear to start believing again.
I love you was something I hadn't heard in a long time. From parents, friends, boys, the Bible. Somehow, I had forgotten that love was a thing.
At least, I had forgotten that a love existed that really did see my pain. That really did want to heal me. That really did pursue me.
After God so clearly reminded me that He was still there in a way that no one else had been able to, a loyal mentor suggested I read Ephesians 6 about the armor of faith to further healing.
I did and remembered what faith was: believing in the truth of God's Word even though no circumstance invites me to.
That "I love you" chained the Devil and my armor thwarted his lies.
As the Devil shrieked in defeat and I slumped into my victorious Savior's arms, it was finished.
Of course, no soldier comes back from battle without a few scars. I'm very much still in the recovery stage and have to preach truth to my wandering heart often.
But, I'm happy about that need.
I hope from my story you see a couple things:
1. When you're faith isn't the strongest part of you, you're Savior will be strong.
2. The Devil is real and he strikes.
3. God doesn't let go even when we do.
4. Believing is hard and people need grace when they fail. Give grace to yourself and give grace to the sufferer.
5. If you feel alone and are met with blank stares when you try to explain, rest and don't try to figure it out.
And listening for and saying, "I love you," is always a good idea.