When Girl Meets Throwbacks, Hauntings, and the Epic
This past week my dear boy catered to and celebrated my inner child (which more often than not is on the surface of my personality rather than “deep within”) with a classic middle school date to the amusement park complete with ice cream and sprinkles.
That was my throwback.
Also, something possessed me to raise my hand Thursday night and volunteer for the crazy game that Christian organizations always put on before the real talk. I found myself downing a mix of coffee and grape juice shortly after. My team won. #worthit #quenched
Along with the wild cheering for my chugging, finding twenty dollars on the ground (and taking it), spending time at the beach and leaving with a new tan line friend,
volleyball, LORD OF THE RINGS MARATHON,
talking with new and old friends, and making rad contributions to my workplace with my art skills,
the Lord was bending my ear and knocking at my heart to talk with Him about some not so fun things.
Under the fun and busy was a haunting brokenness that God was tired of seeing me carry.
At Sunday school one of the Cru staff talked about forgiveness.
“I know this one.” I thought to myself. But I’m so glad I didn’t check out.
Some things I learned about forgiveness that morning were:
I have to face the wrong that was done to me in all its ugly force
I have to let myself feel the pain and admit to myself I’ve been hurt
I have to identify exactly what the perpetrator took from me so I am able to cancel his debt and forgive him
What hit me the most was that third part.
"What have people taken from me? Am I bitter at anyone? Or am I bitter towards God?"
What’s been taken from me hasn’t been tangible. In the past I’ve had relationships taken from me, I’ve had roles in shows taken from me, and—the most painful—I’ve had dreams taken from me.
Yours Truly is a very Romantic person. In all aspects of the word. I love epic stories and adventure. Nothing feels better than looking back on something and knowing I now have a great story to share. Hence the theatre major I suppose.
But in all seriousness, my dreams for my life are huge and I find that I have the passion and drive to keep them alive. I want my epic romance. I want my epic self revelations to be broadcasted and cause inspiration. I want to hear other’s stories of triumph after ridiculous and impossible battles.
Humans are epic and have journeys worth discovering.
Thing is, my attachment to epic dreams is so intoxicating that the Lord constantly has to remind me that He is still in control of my destiny.
The most painful thing in the world to me is having my dreams replaced by someone else’s dream.
Even if God replaces my foolish adventures with His awesome story for me, there’s an incredibly painful process of surrender I have to go through to agree to His plan.
I know others of us experience this same intense battle of loving the Lord but loving the Epic too.
But I think, “Why do I make that distinction in my mind? Epic or God?”
This week God taught me that His plan is epic even when I have no idea what it is.
He taught me I had been bitter towards Him for over a year about dreams He changed for me.
He taught me that He wanted me back.
He taught me that I have to forgive Him (as if He ever wronged me…) and others for taking away previous dreams in order to step into His new incredible Epic.
My dreams have been dead for a long time, but they have haunted me and blinded me from the Epic I’m already in.
Staring at a dark beach too scared to cry I told God, “I promise I’ll find and joy in the Epic You have me in now. I promise to not let my dead dreams haunt me anymore. I know I’ll fail in this promise, and even though I can’t see your hand to catch and hold me, I know its there. So please catch me as often as I need. I forgive You for taking away my dreams and I have been foolish. Take this bitterness away.”
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this, but I missed Jesus so much last night. Whether it was because I had been bitter towards Him for so long or because He had missed me so much I don’t know. But I had never felt His presence so strongly.
I’m back in the Epic that is walking, running, falling, and flying with Jesus right next to me.
And He has some pretty sweet adventures for me.
And now I'm off to share the Gospel with some strangers if they will hear. Life is good.
