When Girl Meets What She's Not
A special bond occurs amongst a team trying to hang Christmas lights from one side of the room to the other. Especially when the one side of the wall has no attaching helps.
So here is the two by two foot square of duct tape that made the atmosphere of Ocean City Women’s Conference 2k15 possible.
(Notice the ladder underneath so we could sprint up and add more duct tape during the frequent emergencies of dangerous peeling.)
We didn’t want the tulle and lights to land upon the myriad of glass and candles on the tables directly below…
Women’s Conference basically was a fire hazard. Provided by yours truly.
My project job for the past few weeks has been creating the atmosphere of the Women’s Conference that happened this past Thursday.
Our title was Valiantly His (from Psalm 118) so we needed something strong. Not too delicate, but still pretty.
Black and white and flames it was.
Thing is, when I found out that I and another girl were in charge of the decor, a large part of me hissed at the world and slowly snuck into a dark corner of my soul.
I am not detail oriented. But I had to be this week.
Sure, we figured out quick and easy how we wanted to communicate our theme…but ya know where the command hooks came from and how we would get into our locked venue on the day kinda slipped through the cracks.
I very much witnessed myself as we decorated for Women’s Conference.
When an idea I had wasn’t working out and we changed it, I was so embarrassed.
When some people were just standing around instead of helping, nasty thoughts ran rampant.
When guests started coming in, my ears were especially attuned to what their comments were regarding the decor.
Despite having toiled long hours to envision and create the atmosphere in service to these fantastic women, I was not perfectly loving to my sisters in my thought life.
I am unable to do this without the help of Jesus’ Spirit. As with most things however, the stress and crazy of the days leading up to the event completely paid off the night of. The night consisted of games, dinner, comfy sleep-over vibe, an epic message of being valiant for Christ, reflection time, sharing time, and a Korean prayer (everyone prays aloud at once.) To be honest, I didn't expect the night to be terribly life changing for anyone. We wanted to celebrate sisterhood and encourage the girls to be brave for Jesus back on campus. A worthy goal which the Spirit completely made alive. There were many tears as girls shared how God had worked in them over the summer, as tough life changing decisions were made, and as they shared how they finally accepted a difficult task that God had been placing on their heart for some time.
The Spirit spoke to and encouraged us all to be brave for the sake of Christ's beautiful and worthy name I could not have been happier or more moved as I cried and prayed aloud for all the women at the end of the night. God redeemed all my stress by showing me there really is a limit to my impact and I need to trust that He will take care of healing and spurring on hearts. And it seemed that God was not done with the theme of Valiancy in my life.
While Women’s Conference was a rather comical and startling revelation of what I’m not and how powerful the Lord is, the rest of the week served as a sift as well.
I learned that I am not mediocre.
I am not unloved.
I am not unnoticed.
I am not alone.
I am not my own.
Sunday morning I sat listening to the Sunday School speaker talk about Post Project Depression.
Truth is, I wasn’t sure I would be terribly sad to leave project. Yes, the people here are amazing and the growth that has happened irreplaceable. Yet, I am ready to be back at college.
As I was thinking these things, a wave of regret washed over me and I wondered if I had truly invested myself this summer.
Was my boyfriend distracting?
Did I focus on how much I miss my friends back home too much?
Did I not go evangelizing enough?
Did I not pour into the girls here enough?
I felt very lonely again.
Another source of my loneliness (along with these thoughts) has been my uncertainty about how involved I want to be in Cru this next year.
Everyone here seems to be so gung-ho about it meanwhile I’ve felt on the outside.
You see, Cru is a tool to advance the Gospel and fall more in love with Jesus. But somehow I had a weird divide in my mind that made Cru distracting from the Lord…ya I dunno.
I had pictured myself not being as involved but still going sharing on campus, meeting up with a mentor, attending a Bible study, and deepening friendships…so basically doing everything Cru does except without the community…that’s lame.
What really changed my perspective was last night when the students from Miami got together to talk about how we wanted to advance the Gospel back on campus after project ended.
As we all shared ideas and encouraged one another, I couldn’t help but decide for certain Cru was how I wanted to advance the Gospel while in college.
During that time, the Lord whispered to me that He loves me and wants to use me. Before I had believed that I was very optional in His plan for Miami.
He notices the talents He gave me to care for people and He wants me to use them. Whereas before I had lost sight of my title as Ambassador.
He told me I have something special to offer in the body of Christ and I am anything but mediocre in this fight for His name. Contrasted to my belief that everyone else will carry the load.
He told me I am held in His arms even when Satan is throwing everything he can at my soul and Miami’s plan to reach the lost. And my fears vanished.
And He told me that I am not my own.
My time is not my time.
My breath, not my breath.
My passions, not my passions.
My dreams, not my dreams.
I have this one earthly life to give entirely to Jesus and eternity to keep doing that in perfect peace.
No longer am I asking myself how will loving Christ and sharing His name fit into my life, but how can I make my life all about loving Him and spreading the Gospel.
I need to be valiant for Christ, to sacrifice, and listen to the Spirit the way all the women did at the very conference I had a hand in planning.
And I have felt freedom in taking one more step towards sacrificing my whole life for His sake.
I am not my own but Christ’s alone. This project has not been wasted, but beautiful in how much of Jesus I’ve tasted. Now when my beliefs are weak, all I must do is listen as He speaks.