I'm Not Trying to Love God Anymore
I'm discouraged today. I read a blog post by John Piper about loving God above all else.
I'm discouraged because it seems like no matter how hard I try I can't love God like I'm supposed to.
Just when I think I really am getting somewhere with my love for Him, just when I can genuinly soak in His word, just when I joy in meditating on His beauty...someone or something comes along and tells me to try harder; reminds me that my heart is desperately wicked; confronts me with my idols; demands another life change.
And I am discouraged. I am kicked back to square one.
I grew up in a Christian home, a church, and a Christian school. I was continually admonished to love God above anything else in the world. To have big faith. To trust God at all times.
So I would pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and PRAY that I could love Him more, trust in Him more, have bigger faith, and delight in Him more...that's what I was supposed to do right?
But I always felt I never saw the fruits of those prayers. Did I love Him more? Trust Him more? Have bigger faith? Delight in Him more? I had no clue.
How am I supposed to love Him more? How do I grow my faith? How do I know when I delight in Him alone? I think I trust Him, but is it enough?
But I never asked those questions. I always believed that I was commiting the unforgivable sin: not loving God enough. It seemed like my questions shouldn't even come up in the Christian life. Loving God was a given. If I confessed struggles with that, something was majorly wrong with me.
I still very much feel like that today. While my understanding of Love, Delight, Trust, and Faith have transformed and matured immensely, I'm still discouraged when I'm commanded to love God more.
When I'm commanded to love God more and more and more and more and more and more and MORE, the Devil whispers in my ear, "Ha. You can't do that."
And he's right.
No matter how many prayers I pray, no matter how long my quiet times are, no matter how often I profess my small love, faith, trust, or delight in God, I can never make any of it grow.
~The Holy Spirit inside me does~
"But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have said to you." - John 14:26
We really do take steps towards loving God more when we read His Word, pray to Him, and are kind to others. But, the Spirit latches onto that desire we have and grows it.
But, still, I am discouraged.
When do I get to SEE what the Spirit is doing in me? When my faith that He is working is lower than ever, is there any mercy through evidence?
There have been four major hurts in my life. One more ongoing, the other three were specific incidents. And when those incidents arose, suddenly the faith, love, delight, and trust that the Spirit grew inside me exploded. They revealed themselves because that was when I needed them most.
I never saw the Spirit tending what little faith I had when my life was as smooth as glass. All the tending and weeding was done so quietly, so gently, so consistently that I only noticed His work when it needed to be shown. When my life was as chaotic as shattered glass.
That's when I needed to know how much I trusted God. When I needed to practice my faith. When all I had to delight in was Him. When the only thing left for me to love was Him.
I'm not saying that God only matters when life is tough. We need Him at all times. I'm just saying we might not see what the Spirit has worked in us until it gets tough or until He has something specific for us to do.
I'm lead to believe that there should be contentment in all areas of life. Even in your love for God. Yes, wish it to grow and pray for it! But realize that He controls even that part of you and you can't make it go any faster or slower.
So next time you're admonished and commanded to love God more and more and more and more and more, and when the Devil laughs maliciously behind you, silence him by believing in your heart that God is working even when evidence is little to none. By believing that the fruits of the Spirit will show exactly when you need them. And by believing that you can't claw your way into love with God.
You just fall into it. And He's the one who pushed you in the first place.