When Girl Meets High Exposure
- Jun 6, 2015
- 4 min read
The stage has always been comfortable for me.
It doesn’t take much to stand in the heat of the lights, smile, and act as if you were living someone else’s life in front of hundreds.
But if you ask me how I felt on stage co-leading worship this week, I would’ve told you extremely exposed.
Roughly 100 eyes staring at you while you try to sing out to Jesus is really something no one should have to experience.
Maybe that’s why worship leaders try so hard to have everyone’s focus on the Lord and not on them.
“We are trying to worship up here too people.”
In the crowd, I’m just a shadow of everyone else. Somewhere in the room someone else has their arms raised, someone else is belting, and someone else is sitting and quiet.
I do all these things and there’s a sweetness in “being lost in the crowd” but not being lost to Jesus.
But you don’t get that comfort and safety net leading worship. I look out and the bright lights drown out the crowd below—is it just me up here?—, I hear my own voice blaring through the monitor—can my bandmates be heard too?—, and my hands shake on the mic as my heart tries to handle this high but pure exposure.
On stage, there’s a shocking connection with the Lord I hadn’t felt before in worship. My heart was totally exposed to the crowd and so of course totally exposed before the Lord.
We all know that God sees all of us and knows every thought. But that intimacy feels even stronger when you can’t see anyone else and your voice mixes with the epic music behind you.
What tenderness it is to feel the shock of total exposure and intimacy with the Lord in front of a crowd.
He makes my voice stronger, makes my hands freer, and makes my heart brave to close my eyes and imagine the bright lights to be His glory.
This week’s theme for me was high exposure.
Day by day I feel more and more out of my comfort zone.
I’m not feeling myself. The constant community can drain instead of energize me like I’m used to.
Making new friends is exhausting instead of joyful.
I haven’t shared the Gospel with anyone when I’ve gone out sharing and other groups have seen people come to know Jesus.
And, oh boy, is my pride, selfishness, and judgmental heart flaunting itself.
I often feel like everyone around me just sees right through me. Which is awesome and terrifying.
On the one hand I have nothing to hide, but on the other hand I wish I did because I’m not beautiful through and through.
My mentor has pried into my heart about my security in God’s love for me. Turns out it’s pretty low.
My dear boy has pushed me to form my goals more clearly. Which just went to show I still have no idea what God is doing in my life.
I’ve confessed to a friend that I haven’t been kind to her in my heart. There were many tears.
But the Lord never fails to give mercy in these times of confusion and apathy.
I have an opportunity for a second job, my Bible study group is ever faithful to hear my disheveled heart, messing around with friends near the ocean at night and high tide, and headphone karaoke on the porch keep my spirits light and heart willing to seek God and do His work.
I find it so ironic that this past week’s official theme has been Setting the Pace for the summer…what’s my pace so far?
Slow, timid, and stumbling with bursts of sprints whenever a friend takes my hand and runs with me.
Psalm 108
“My heart, O God, is steadfast;
I will sing and make music with all my soul.
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.
Save us and help us with your right hand,
that those you love may be delivered.
God has spoken from his sanctuary:
“In triumph I will parcel out Shechem
and measure off the Valley of Sukkoth.
Gilead is mine, Manasseh is mine;
Ephraim is my helmet,
Judah is my scepter.
Moab is my washbasin,
on Edom I toss my sandal;
over Philistia I shout in triumph.”
Who will bring me to the fortified city?
Who will lead me to Edom?
Is it not you, God, you who have rejected us
and no longer go out with our armies?
Give us aid against the enemy,
for human help is worthless.
With God we will gain the victory,
and he will trample down our enemies.”
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