When Girl Meets Restlessness and Finitude
As I look at two more weeks to be in Ocean City, one phrase comes to my mind:
“Hurry up.”
I’m pretty ready to be home and I don’t think this is a shameful thing. More than evangelism, the focus of project has been self development.
In life, we are constantly learning. Moment by moment. But restlessness happens when all we do is learn and never practice.
A developmental constipation if you will.
Yes, I can practice somethings that I’ve learned while I’m still here. I can go evangelize literally anytime I want and be met with ravenous curiosity, flippant attitudes, or strong opposition. And I can learn how to respond and handle all of those people through Christ’s love.
But how do I know that the Scripture I’ve memorized will support me as I deal with my sorority residents as an R.A. this year?
Will all my knew knowledge of forgiveness show up when I’ve been hurt in the future?
Has my love for God been deepened enough to respond to His call to an unreached people?
Will I remember all the right questions to ask and truths to say when a friend comes to me distressed or I come to them concerned?
Life is pretty much perfect here at Ocean City. I work, I study Scripture, I get coffee with friends, I live it up at the beach, and I tell other people about the best and truest Love there is.
But what’s missing is the messiness of life. Its risk.
I have spiritual struggles but rarely social struggles.
I haven’t dealt with searing loss here.
Any big decisions just loom in the future.
The quiet of project is absolutely suffocating me.
Maybe not so much the quiet here, but the anticipation of action when project closes.
Man, I just want to get back to life.
“I know, I know,” I tell my discipler, “God is not quiet. God has designed this life as an adventure. He is wild. He is huge. He is freedom.”
Yet, I am restless, restless in the joy of what Thou Art.
In the words of one of my favorite musicians, Steve Moakler…
I’m waiting for something to set fire, wake up my soul.
When the weight is on, I feel alone, trapped inside my flesh and bones
but if I let go of everything, the stars compose a song to sing
a song for all the faint lights
Do I not believe that God awakens my soul?
Trapped in my flesh and bones, do I believe that my finite earthly life still has infinite impact?
What do I need to let go of so that the stars will sing to what used to flourish inside of me?
I know that I’m missing something. And I hope I find it before project ends. Or else I fear I will leave the same person as when I came in.
Lord Jesus, help me to see my bodily finitude as a gift. To be totally spent on You. Help me to respond to my restlessness with recklessness of faith. Yet, let me be patient to absorb what You have for me in these last two weeks. Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You. Every hour I need You. If I pray to You for adventure, I know You hear me. Only help me to recognize thrill. If I pray to You for love, I know You hear me. Only help me to recognize when its true.
For satisfaction, change my heart. For comfort, let me rest. For strength, let me be brave.
You are faithful. You are good. You are love. You are sure. You are wild.
____________
There has also been so much joy here amidst restlessness and frustrations.
I went parasailing with friends and definitely (and by definitely I mean possibly maybe) saw a whale and 5 sting rays right near the surface.
I visited Cape May and saw dozens of dolphins jumping and playing in the waves. I could’ve swam out to them if I wanted.
I’ve almost finished reading Wild at Heart which I’ve determined I will give to my son when he is 18. It’s phenomenal. If you’re a guy, read it. If you’re a girl, don’t marry a guy who hasn’t read it. #standards
I went jet skiing and most definitely almost fell off and got reprimanded by the ski patrol...he couldn't handle the swag.
And I got a hole in one while putt-putting. _________________
While my love for the people here on project has deepened, and though I am sure I will experience shock when it all ends so abruptly, I am ready to step out. I am ready to experience the burst of the Spirit as I rub next to people who don't know the Lover our Souls.